A Little Problem with my Mind

Sometimes you just have to find what inspires and motivates you. Find what gives you energy. That could be other creators…who knows, but until you find your own fire and your own motivation, maybe you should find someone else to inspire you.

Inspired action is a thing. It fuels the emptiness within until the bridges are mended. It’s not a shameful thing. I have been trying to find what motivates me for so long. Until I decided to accept that I am a multipotentialite, I was basically listless and focus-less. Is that a word?!

Many creatives are multi-faceted and have accepted this about themselves…but it’s taken me this long (32 years…yikes!) to say that I am. I am going to have a busy life following every pursuit, but I hope I can keep it going. Who knows at this stage. But you have to try…fail and then try again and again. Otherwise, what’s the point of life, right?

Where here to be abundant and make mistakes. From small to huge ones. Make mistakes that make tides and change things. I don’t know if that is going to be me but I’m the batter, number 3, and it’s time to swing. I’m not yet the fourth batter. I’m not a cleanup hitter. The bases are loaded and my goal is to clear them all and get to home base. Freedom. I’m an Aussie who loves baseball. Go figure.

It’s time to write. Be create. Paint that God awful picture. Practice that instrument. Get your hands dirty in the garden and plant herbs. Whatever you want to do. Just do it! Expect mistakes and let go of perfectionism. Whoo! I’m already asking way to much of myself. Goodluck!

Working for Yourself

I have been working towards creating an independent life for myself for the last few years. Nothing has worked for me yet, as I try to do everything.

It can be stressful at times, but I know that if I keep going there will come a point I can slot down and let my hard work pay off. I’m trying to find something that works for me.

I realised that having your own business means working more than if you were working for someone else. But I like the challenge. It’s different. It’s stressful. However, it means I can create and explore whatever I want. The possibilities really are endless.

I’ve been ruminating on the following…starting a Youtube channel, writing a blog to review tv and movies I’ve watched, playing the guitar and violin; I am not yet proficient but my goal is to be, selling my artwork, publishing my novels from Wattpad and creating an animated film based on an idea I had.

To do all that the thing I know I am going to lose the most is sleep. I really want to create this life and be as independent and free as I can be. That doesn’t meant I’m closing doors to other things, it just means that if I focus too much on what I don’t have right now, it’s going to drive me a little nuts. That’s all we can do, take it one day at a time.

It’s been a challenge for me to get really started with all of this and I’ve been a little stunted. I don’t know where to take the first steps to accomplish any of this. The proof of this is that my desk, my work area, is a complete mess and has been for weeks. Somehow I thought that it would just clean itself. It hasn’t. I think that’s my number tasks starting tomorrow. Cleaning. I hate cleaning. I really do. It’s not my thing, but when I get in the mood I can clean really thoroughly.

Anyway, that’s all I have for right now. I should stop procrastinating.

A Life Untitled

Sometimes it’s a challenge to get started. Sometimes I spend all day just trying to get started. Then 9PM rolls around and I’ve watched the 7th movie of the day, or the 7th novel, and now I am ready to start. It’s funny how much fear can keep you from starting. It’s abhorrent. I think I have mastered the art of procrastination, or avoidance…or purposeful avoidance? Maybe?

Do you think about making your mark? Somehow? In anything? You just want to be known for something, but you don’t know how to get started. There’s that niggling feeling deep inside, that you’re good at this one thing, or many things, but you can’t start. It’s like the gun that goes off and you don’t take that first step to start the race. You freeze! I hate that. I am perpetually frozen in this idea I have of myself, but in reality I am still trying to start.

I can’t breathe sometimes with the fear I am wasting my life. I want to start and I wonder how do they start and build these empires where they don’t have to worry about making money. I try to not to worry about making money. I just want it to all be sorted, you know? It’s not. That’s the reality sometimes. You have to keep working at everything, until something sticks and it’s awesome and you have this feeling of “I’ve finally made it.” But when? Should I worry about the when? I try not to. It sticks in my mind and then I am writing posts about procrastinating and never starting.

What is my life most of all? What am I doing with it? What I am sharing of what I know with the world? Will they even care that I have anything to offer? Where the heck did my self confidence go? Did I really ever have it?

I have no burning desire for anything most days. I feel drained and afraid. However, when I receive these burst of energy, I try to work through this energy until it disappears. And it does disappear eventually and then I am back at square one. I stopped drinking caffeine. I have switched to decaf because with decaf my body isn’t vibrating with anxiety. There’s some semblance of peace. Wouldn’t that be nice?

I also haven’t been sleep well. I slept three and half hours today and a cup of iced decaf coffee and I’ve only yawned twice. I don’t feel tired anymore. I don’t sleep my life away; but maybe only sometimes when my body is trying to catch up on rest. But that isn’t everyday anymore. I don’t know what happened. Something definitely changed. Is it a good thing?

My life is untitled though. What can I offer the world that it doesn’t already have? Is this me just whining about something I have no control over? I feel like every time something happens, like a major shift in my life, I have to restart everything over. It’s worrisome that I always find myself beginning things again. Starting over. Everyday is a new beginning, no matter what we worry about. We can decide to live a different life the next morning, right?

“To sleep–perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub,

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.”

Hamlet – William Shakespeare

We start again, don’t we? We keep traveling that road ahead, because what choice do we have?

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